Journal to a Muse

Weddings
As a marriage and family therapist, I'm not sure that marriages have changed all that much, but it seems that weddings have. Where was I when all this happened?

The couples I see professionally still have idealistic, bizarre and naive expectations of each other. The pastor last weekend did what he could to gently hint that putting the spouse's happiness FIRST would pay huge dividends in how happy, successful and strong the marriage would be. Putting someone else FIRST takes a huge amount of maturity. I don't do it all the time. But when it comes to big things, I think we do OK. We talk alot and rarely get defensive, which helps. I experience my DH's care and concern for MY well-being and happiness every day. Even when he's incredulous that I gave myself the last serving of dessert.

I confess, this is all closer at hand than usual because my "baby" is getting married. Fortunately, I am to be the Mother of the Groom (known as MOG on the websites) and my opinion doesn't much matter. Wait until my turn as MOB!!!

But weddings seem to have morphed into "EVENTS." (See today's NYT editorial.) I like a meaningful ritual as much as most people (although my tastes run to July 4th fireworks and a nap after Thanksgiving rather than sacred songs and incense). A tableau of handsome, spiffed up young people does a lot to make one feel good about the future of man (and woman) kind.

But the commerce!
Did you know there are literally millions of web pages about wedding etiquette? Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt used to be able to get all the "rules" of marriage into about 35 pages of an all-purpose paperback book.

Even with blended families and same sex ceremonies, who thought we needed 8,790,000 pages (per Google) of wedding etiquette "rules?"

• The people who decided that it was OK to ask a friend from 4th grade to be part of the ceremony, but ignore the sibling of the spouse. That 4th grade friend isn't going to show up for birthdays and funerals for the next 50 years. The inlaws will.
• The bridal emporiums who saw a way to make lots of money by encouraging bridal parties large enough to field both teams in a football scrimmage.
• The helicopter parents who agreed to extend their child's 15 minutes of fame by creating an audio-visual extravaganza of baby photographs, favorite songs and memorabilia.
• The young people, appropriately concerned about their impending change in status-- (more independent than before? or more dependent than before? more like their parents? less like their parents) -- who justify registering at every conceivable bridal registry for every conceivable want, need or product. (Google has 2,570,000 of those. (I haven't seen registration for health insurance. Now THAT would be a good one.)
  
  
  
• The enablers? Any one of the 4,060,000 sites which discuss or offer ways to finance the extravaganza? At least there are more concerns concerned with paying for the wedding than helping the young people live beyond their means (or their parents') and then beg for money.

Maybe I'm just grumpy. It's still hot here. My honeymoon was a road trip up the California Coast (don't get me wrong, it was the best/most/wonderfullest trip I could think of. When it was over, it was fully paid for, and we were proud: no added debt.) Our parents gave us pots, pans, plates and flatware. A recent wedding included several showers (taking care of pots, pans, plates and flatware) and the parents provided the couple a week in Hawaii. I suppose it is better than giving or getting a couple of cows in exchange for family member gained or lost.


But the bride is ALWAYS beautiful.