I answered the phone this morning and got the news from my sister in law that my DH's father died.
I cannot remember when I have felt SO ambivalent about a death.
Collateral damage in war zones? Infants? Serial killers on death row? Not so ambivalent.
But this man?
The image above is my response to my thoughts and feelings.
DH probably had the explanation (we'd both read a recent article in Scientific American MIND about sociopaths). His father seems to have been incapable of empathy.
He didn't understand that his generous, accommodating (need I say long-suffering) wife might have felt hurt when "all" he did was bring home his pay check. No affection. No laughter. No playing with children. Pride in promotions -- but mostly because of the inscreases in pay.
He didn't play with his children when they were children and wasn't playful when they were adults. Twice he played catch with his son, my husband... and that was because "mom" told him it would be a good idea.
His response to his wife's death was "But I'll be lonely." Nothing about what she might have meant to him. Nothing about what his children might have been feeling.
NOT a sensitive new-age guy.
He'd gotten grouchier. He didn't really complain. But he criticized his adult children, his adult grandchildren and had no interest in his great grandchildren. He held anyone who disagreed with him or challenged him in contempt and let them know.
Should I feel sorry that he died isolated and alone? That he was found by the County Sheriff when he didn't push the "I'm OK" button at his graduated care faciliity?
Should I feel relieved that his daughters won't ever again call me or their brother talking about another way in which he had slighted them? Perhaps in favor of his secretary? Perhaps in favor of a helpful nurse or neighbor? Perhaps in favor of his investment advisor?
He left part of his estate in an annuity to be divided amongst his three offspring. Quarterly, he sent them money which they then had to "invest" in the annuity. So he got to remind them 4 times a year of what a great thing he was doing for them. I must say, it made it hard to appreciate his living breathing self.
So far as we know, the remainder of his estate may have been worth twice the annuity and every last cent of that (though reduced by the crash of '08) was divided between an order of nuns in the Roman Catholic Church, a priest, a woman who had a crush on him after his wife died, and college student who helped him with his computer.
He let it be known that he had done plenty for his children and that he wouldn't be doing anything extra for him.
You know, I understand that Warren Buffet and Bill Gates' father told their children early on, that their would not be an inherited windfall for them. I can't say how the children feel about that, but I can say that I think they were treated more fairly because they were told "up front" and their parents had philosophical explanations.
I can't figure any philosophical explanation for my FIL's behavior except that he didn't care about the impact he had on his children, nor did he feel it necessary to explain anything he did to anybody.
Dismissed, Disregarded and Disrespected, the "children" came to feel justified in ignoring his self-interested attempts at control and manipulation.
But death IS final.
No more hope that he would express love, affection or even approval.
And that is sad.
In my opinion, if he'd loved them and shown that he cared for them or could be bothered with seeing anything from their point of view, they wouldn't be caring about the money so much now.
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