Journal to a Muse

It's Never Too Late For Family Drama -- with pictures of a recent sunset

DH was wiser than Solomon, more diplomatic than Kissinger, and a more artful dealer than Trump yesterday. And even though those were amazing accomplishments, I am sad. DH's parents are in their 80's. They've had more than 60 years of marriage.


But when MIL fell and broke her hip, survived the surgical repair and landed in the hospital, what she mostly felt was "free at last." She told her children (all middle aged themselves, to put it charitably) that she didn't want to go back to her house, or live with FIL. Ever.


But she was afraid (and at least one of the children agreed with her) to say anything to the man she'd known for 65 years. It wasn't that she thought he'd beat her up, but that he'd unleash more hurtful words while locking up and denying all access to her share of their bank accounts and other financial assets.
He was the only one out of the loop.


Apparently FIL sensed that something was "different." He wondered aloud if maybe MIL had hurt her head or was having a personality change. He fished for information from the adult children. (how can even an adult child be expected not to act differently when holding a secret of such magnitude?). So, sure enough, he attempted to gain 100% control over all financial assets. Fortunately, his money manager perceived himself as responsible to FIL and MIL and called MIL to say "Whatever you do, don't sign anything!" So a pow wow was scheduled. The children, MIL, FIL and an innocent bystanding young social worker from the nursing home all met yesterday.

MIL told FIL in no uncertain terms that she was sick and tired of his relentless control and griping about money. She told him she wanted to have peace and quiet in whatever time she has left, which means she doesn't want to see him and more. FIL, who again must have known more than he let on, had prepared a statement of what he thought he'd done right over the years: Been a good provider and steward of their property. Ultimately, DH, who was facilitating, managed to get FIL to promise to sign over MIL's half of the estate, and to relinquish control over it. I'm glad their state has provisions for Legal Separations. Their religious opinions would probably prohibit getting a divorce, even now. So, even though I'm glad MIL won't have to endure FIL's blustering, control and unpredictable temper; and even though I think that FIL "meant well," and may honestly feel very hurt and puzzled, I am content with this outcome. What I know, because of the emotional eating I've done (ack), and the tears I've shed, is that it stirred up many of MY issues. So here are the recommendations I am making to myself and sharing with you:

• If you have a complaint, voice it.
• If you are too afraid to voice the complaint, get help. NOW.
• Change what can be changed.
• Reveal toxic secrets so the wounds can heal.
• Give people a chance to change whenever possible.
  
• Be grateful for the people in your life who didn't let misery continue. (Even if THEY asked for a divorce.)
• Remember that you are responsible for yourself: Emotionally and financially.
• Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Sooner rather than later is best.
  
• Remember that what you do has an impact on others, whether they tell you or not.

Since it's never too late, what will you change?