Thelma still doesn't know much.
I just got back from Dr. Bongers.... (which she pronounces Bonjhers... but I think a boob doctor called Bong-ers is funny)... Anyway, I am in the frassing "gray" area regarding chemo... thinks I'm young enough the oncologist might recommend 4 rounds of chemo because the tumor was "slightly proliferative" and slightly "hormone receptive"... or, he might "only" recommend chemo/hormone therapy by pill rather than the hair-falling-out kind. If the oncologist does recommends the "standard kind" of chemo, it would be once every three weeks.
If there's a chance I could have a 35 year career as an artist (!) I'll do it-- even if it means having my hair fall out. Last year I bought DH hair clippers, so they'll come in doubly handy.
Ever since I read the story of Rapunzel, I though my hair was my best feature.
Then, when I got boobs, I thought they were my pride, joy and salvation...
Before that? I suppose my smile was what "got me through things..." Does that mean I'll be losing my teeth?
I digress.. (Ah, the terrors of fear-based thinking. )
THEN they'll think about radiation.
So I'm a bit weepy. From not knowing. From having to live in limbo a little longer. From being told that the ache in my arm might not go away for several weeks... that it's nerve irritation... (apparently the nerves can go "into shock" and they don't wake up for a while.-- it hasn't kept me from knitting, though.. but I might stop wearing a watch for a while.)
It figures that this has always been one of my favorite quotes:
I want to beg you, as much as I can,
to be patient toward all that is unresolved
in your heart and to try to love the questions
themselves like locked rooms and like books
that are written in a very foreign tongue.
Do not seek the answers, which cannot
be given you because you would not be able
to live them.
And the point is to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will then gradually,
without noticing it, live along
some distant day into the answer.
~ Rainer Maria Rilke (1875-1926)
If your hair falls out, does that mean you don't have to shave your legs?
Would your eyebrows fall out, too?
I have SUCH strange thoughts sometimes.
I'll take it as evidence of new neural pathways being plowed.
5 comments:
Oh man, this is stinkers huh? One day at a time. Thelma is going to have to get an ass kicking, whether she likes it or not. You are a survivor. Just keep that mantra and you'll be fine.
ps - My intention was not to make YOU feel bad about Boston. It was to let you know that I felt bad for being so behind on your news!
I want to help with artist stuff. Let me know if you need a business manager.
i love the pictures earlier and you made me smile with your thoughts....
wendy sent me over. i'm sending you some good thoughts. stay well.
What a good time to start as an artist. They say we get better as we get older because we become less inhibited.
Well if you do have the hair fall out chemo you'll either end up with
a.) a very striking and daring short haircut when it grows back.
or
b.) an excuse to spend huge quantities of cash on scarves and hats until it grows back.
Either way you'll look very artistic
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