Journal to a Muse

Waiting isn't my strength.


A nice thing about a weblog, is that I can express myself on my own time schedule without having to interrupt, shock or bother people.

Last Thursday, the 12th, I had my routine mammogram. There was an area that was lumpier than usual that I pointed out. Oh, they saw something... and I got to have a sonogram, too. And then they wanted to do a biopsy. It wasn't looking so good. And due to some @#$%ing bureaucratic snag with health insurance (and mine, fortuntely) is relatively good, I had to wait until Friday for the biopsy. Anti anxiety meds, a little Lidocaine, the sonogram monitor again, and even I could see the 'black hole" of... something. But nobody was willing to say what it was. (These people don't guess! They do research.) So all the info went off to a pathologist.

The core needle biopsy in my left breast this afternoon was pain free.
I am glad, though, that the MD gave me some Ativan to make me dopey rather than agitated and irritable. (My darling husband's coping skills consisted of singing and joking.... I just wanted to be quiet. Overall, he has been darling, helping me remember to ask questions and collect the business cards of the pathologist and surgeon. I have the rest of the weekend to get caught up... will likely have a pathology report by next Wednesday... Mostly I am not to oconcerned.... the doctors don't seem worried on their on behalf, just solicitous and kind.

I'm not going to confide in or confront friends, relatives etc until the pathologist and radiologist (equivalent to the CIA and FBI) are on the same page.

I was pretty sure there was a BCT (breast cancer tumor) in "Thelma." Yup, I've named my left breast Thelma. You know... tough, but with a self-destructive streak. I'm giving her lots of support, and a lift as needed. If she can attract a hot urban cowboy, that's OK, too.

If you are a close friend who is miffed that I didn't confide this to you previously, just know that I thought I'd wait until I actually had decisive "facts." I don't want to be like SOME people who claimed WMD's when there weren't any!

Well, today, they are. IDC. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Low proliferation. Small. I have an appointment with a surgeon tomorrow. The radiologist and family practice doctors both expect that this is lumpectomy sized... and that I may not even "need" radiation. I hope they are right.
Nevertheless,I will be well. I will be more focused and creative. I will love those that i can. Including myself.