Better understanding cravings and pain
Being on pain killers has down-shifted my appetite.
And my cravings.
I can still hear the Cadbury eggs calling me, (190 cal and 10 gm fat EACH) but they are no longer shouting. The meds I’m taking are a “not-very-addictive” opiate. Since they make me less hungry, I wonder if there really is some food “addiction” or dependency that I’d developed, that this “fix” takes care of. Or perhaps I really was eating to numb a different kind of pain.
There are times when I need a hug, or need a good cry, or need to look at something beautiful, or need to be distracted. You’d think that I’d just make it happen, rather than forage around in the pantry. I don’t mind working for food (i.e., cooking, going to the grocery store, or preparing something.) Why, when it costs more, is inconvenient and bad for my BMI, heart, pancreas, etc, don’t I get the hug or eye candy or Kleenex?
One of the reasons includes being embarrassed that I have any needs at all, and wishing that nobody had to know. As if I believed nobody ELSE had any wants or needs. This is one of my less helpful double standards.
Besides, I can eat in secret. Oddly, I’m not keeping my odd eating habits secret from my DH. That’s probably a good step. It helps me be at least a smidge more honest with myself.
But, in reality, there are no longer people in my world who have the power to shame me for expressing my feelings. The people who are important to me don’t shame me, anyway. And I am noticing that recognizing the shame gives me power over it. It is NOT fatal, after all.
So with the painkillers it is easy to be pseudo-anorexic and proud. (How ironic that I can be morbidly obese but consider myself anorexic!) I think I’ll let go of the false, unhealthy pride and get a decent lunch.
And my cravings.
I can still hear the Cadbury eggs calling me, (190 cal and 10 gm fat EACH) but they are no longer shouting. The meds I’m taking are a “not-very-addictive” opiate. Since they make me less hungry, I wonder if there really is some food “addiction” or dependency that I’d developed, that this “fix” takes care of. Or perhaps I really was eating to numb a different kind of pain.There are times when I need a hug, or need a good cry, or need to look at something beautiful, or need to be distracted. You’d think that I’d just make it happen, rather than forage around in the pantry. I don’t mind working for food (i.e., cooking, going to the grocery store, or preparing something.) Why, when it costs more, is inconvenient and bad for my BMI, heart, pancreas, etc, don’t I get the hug or eye candy or Kleenex?
One of the reasons includes being embarrassed that I have any needs at all, and wishing that nobody had to know. As if I believed nobody ELSE had any wants or needs. This is one of my less helpful double standards.
Besides, I can eat in secret. Oddly, I’m not keeping my odd eating habits secret from my DH. That’s probably a good step. It helps me be at least a smidge more honest with myself.
But, in reality, there are no longer people in my world who have the power to shame me for expressing my feelings. The people who are important to me don’t shame me, anyway. And I am noticing that recognizing the shame gives me power over it. It is NOT fatal, after all.
So with the painkillers it is easy to be pseudo-anorexic and proud. (How ironic that I can be morbidly obese but consider myself anorexic!) I think I’ll let go of the false, unhealthy pride and get a decent lunch.
2 comments:
okay, you are the one, a new friend, i can so much identify with you and what you're saying...so i am adding you to my list of favourites right now!
an·o·rex·i·a –noun 1. loss of appetite and inability to eat.
2. Psychiatry. anorexia nervosa.
So important to separate the two! Hooray for taking care of yourself. I LOVE the part about everyone having needs. You rock, my friend :)
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