Funerals and Family
DH's mother died Tuesday. She'd been in her assisted living room for less than a month.
The funeral is tomorrow, Saturday.
We've been in Missouri since Wednesday, alternating between planning (funeral, flowers, finances) and passing the time. Her husband, from whom her overt estrangement was fresh and raw, is acting like there never were plans for a legal separation, or threats of divorce. This means he is insisting that her belongings, property and financial assets have reverted to him. His tendency to rank and value everything in terms of its monetary value (or cost) is grating on all of his children.
In combination with meddling with funeral plans that he agreed to Wednesday, he is (still) proving to be difficult to deal with. DH keeps asking for a name or diagnosis for what is "wrong" with his dad. I'm not sure there is a name. Except "Difficult."
FIL seems to want to be well-thought of, but does so much that makes that a challenge.
I think MIL will be missed. Yes, she was mostly passive, and had a tendency to whine, but she would rise to most occasions with a smile and a sweet word for anyone who was around. I am sad that she waited so long to develop the skill (and courage) to ask for what she wanted. It makes her prior agreeableness suspect.
I am sad that there is so little so show for her life. Three children. Three grandchildren. (Not counting me or my children: in this family blood relations are what count -- just saying). Her room contained enough sets of sheets to start a Used Bed Bath and Beyond. And Silhouette Romances to stock anyone's g-rated reading shelf. A few Lladro pieces and Hummel ware...
Nothing quirky. Nothing personal.
That's what makes me sad. While I hope that when my time comes, I have culled a lot of my "stuff" my children will defiitely find "quirky," and eccentric and creative and individual. Maybe not lots of cash value, but what they find will represent my thoughts, feelings, and, I hope, my love for them and my friends.
I have a friend whose email signature says something like, "If you aren't busy living, then you are busy dying..." I think it is worth pondering on whether one's living is preparing you for the sort of dying you can be at peace with.... Not happy exactly, but a certain pride and integrity. Character.
Be well. Be brave. Be real.
2 comments:
"Be Well. Be Brave. Be Real." True and profound words. I wonder why, especially we women, take so long to find the conviction of our lives. My condolences to you, your husband and family.
Ah, but I think that if raising your DH, my DSD, was her only legacy, not to mention the lessons she's taught me about family, and you, and probably Brother, much less the two sisters and the yet undiscovered powers of the grandchildren, she actually left a strong imprint on the world. The sad part is that she might not have recognized that.
Post a Comment