Journal to a Muse

Thirteen Rules
for Dealing with Sociopaths in Everyday Life
abridged from The Sociopath Next doorr by Martha Stout.

1. Swallow the bitter pill of accepting that some people literally have no conscience.
2. In a contest between your instincts and what is implied by the role a person has taken on -- educator, doctor, leader, animal lover, humanist, parent -- go with your instincts.
3. When considering a new relationship of any time practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes and the responsibilities he or she has. Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy. One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses... Do not give your money, your work, your secrets or your affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.
4. Question authority. Encourage those around you to question too. (Six out of ten people will blindly obey to the bitter end an official-looking authority in their midst.)
5. Suspect flattery. (Learn the difference between compliments and flattery.)
6. If necessary, redefine your concept of respect. (Learn the difference between respect and fear.)

   The politician, small or lofty, who menaces the people with frequent reminders of the possibility of crime, violence, or terrorism, and who then uses their magnified fear to gain allegiance, is more likely to be a successful con artist than a legitimate leader. This too has been true throughout human history.

7. Do not join the game. Resist the temptation to compete with a ... sociopath.... (Focus on) what is really important, which is to protect yourself.
8. The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to avoid him, to refuse any kind of contact or communication.
9. Question your tendency to pity too easily. If you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100 percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.
10. Do not try to redeem the unredeemable. The sociopath's behavior is not your fault, not in any way whatsoever. It is also not your mission. Your mission is your own life.
11. Never agree, out of pity or for any other reason, to help a sociopath conceal his or her true character.
12. Defend your psyche. Do not allow someone without conscience... to convince you that humanity is a failure. Most human beings do possess conscience. Most human beings are able to love.
13. Living well is the best revenge.
    

As I read Dr. Stout's fascinating case studies and explanations, I sometimes wondered if my own conscience was less strong than it should be. Even though she makes some interesting arguments for why any species would need (at least a few) sociopaths in its midst, I'd rather not be mistaken for one! And, I wish Western culture was less amenable towards individuals who feel no love for any person. It is unclear how some people develop exquisite compassion. But a story she re-tells may give a clue. (It can be found in a collection entitled The Best of Bits and Pieces compiled by Arthur Lenehan.)

A wise woman who was traveling to the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation.
The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.
I've been thinking," he said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone."